Letters from Valhalla
by AMightierPen
Summary: During his imprisonment Loki is permitted to communicate with those on the outside, specifically with Sigyn. What follows is a story told through a series of letters to and from Loki and Sigyn, along with various members of the Norse royal family.
1. Escape

My dearest Sigyn,

Time has stopped without you. Thoughts of you barely penetrate the overwhelming silence that is here. My only comfort is that you, I hope, are not as alone as I. There are others with you, Sigyn- be with them. Return to life.

I cannot thank you enough for loving me. Is this something that is done, thanking someone? If there were something greater, more powerful than exchanging kisses and words of love, know that I would direct it at you.

There is such emptiness here. Every breath is an echo. I take up a small piece of space in the large hollowness that is my prison. I fear becoming hollow as well, before then fading into nothingness. Perhaps I should be comforted in my immortality. Most humans fear death: the stroke of it, their legacy. I, now denied all that is dear, disdain life. What is it without your smiles?

Loki

* * *

Loki, my love,

Fear not. There are others for company, yes, but with your words I am never alone. Please, do not worry about me. I am safe and, unlike you, I am free. Or is that what worries you?

Perhaps you are the safe one, locked away and hidden from us. Wherever you are, nothing can harm you but yourself.

And that is what I fear.

I know you - I know your mind. It will devour you, my love, if you do not let it rest. I fear that your days are full of rambling thoughts, thoughts manufactured if only to fill the hours. Let your mind be still. It may not be hollowness, but silence. Peace. Let yourself find it, please.

Sigyn

* * *

My sweet Sigyn,

We speak everyday now. I did as you recommended and attempted to clear my mind. I vacated from it every thought, but could not expunge your presence. So I talk to you. About everything, anything. I defend this by asserting that it retains my sanity, though I recognize that it may indicate its degeneration. But it is so wonderful to hear your voice - it quells all else within me.

I have decided that I have pinpointed exactly what is so torturous about this place: the lighting. Whenever I am most exhausted and sleep-deprived, it is blindingly bright; accordingly, when I am most alert, I am immersed in darkness.

It is such a horrible contrast, so unlike you. You, with skin as dark and deep as the night. You, who carries an untouchable, purified radiance. Dark and light mix so well with you, so that you provide such a calming presence. Like the brightest moon on the darkest night.

May you shine forever

Loki

* * *

Loki,

What world is this?

I, who have always claimed to love you for your words, am now subject to some cruel jape, for that must be what this is. Now all that I have are your words. Enchanting, yes, but unspoken. Dead. I need your voice to accompany them. I miss you - your words, voice, and presence. I miss you so.

Sigyn

* * *

Loving Sigyn,

I fear that their plans are working. This place of confinement was clearly chosen as a point of reflection. By isolating me, they have left me with nothing but my thoughts, as you have suspected. By leaving me with no hope of a future, they leave me with nothing but a past to reflect upon. I admit completely, I have done nothing but.

Now I think back to when you doubted my sincerity. How you once scorned me! Hated me, even. I suppose if you had submitted to my admiration sooner I might have loved you less. You are a woman of conviction, and a woman to be loved.

But how you detested me. I remember the malice rolling off of your tongue, the disdain pouring from your eyes. It burned me, so much that a spark caught fire. I burned for you until you loved me. Beyond all that I have or may do in my life, loving you is by far my greatest accomplishment.

I will spare you the details, but I fear that I may burn again. Do not think of me in pain, sweet one, but remember me in peace.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

I am not one to let comments pass unnoticed. In your latest letter you mentioned burning, and burning again. Am I to assume that you are being tortured in some way? If so, why do you deny me this knowledge? Surely it is better to know of your wellbeing than to agonize over uncertainty. Though I will not be satisfied to know of your pain, let me at least be assured in my knowledge.

I dislike being deceived, though I suppose I am the one at fault for loving you, mischievous one.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Do not think that I am keeping knowledge from you out of superiority. You are no gentle woman, and I would not assume you weakened by sad thoughts. Rather I find it necessary to divulge as little as possible about my treatment, we shall call it, here because these conversations with you are my only escape. Will you allow me these few moments to forget?

Loki

* * *

Loki,

How sad, how fascinating is it that, in your loneliest hour, you turn again to lies? I see now that they are of a different sort, though, than those of the past. You lie now not to deceive, but rather to protect. For love of you, I will allow this. Never again.

So this is an escape, is it? I suppose I should be giving you something more tangible to grasp, then. Of stories I have few; of sentiments, many. But I shall refrain.

It is now my greatest desire to show you the world that now denies you. It is so bright outside now, Loki, that I wish you could see it. And when it is dark at night, and when I am sleepy, I wish you were there, if only to find comfort in the stillness. It is just that without you - still. Only when I am alone, though. With others, life has gone on. It is so cruel for me to see others carrying on while I must suffer your absence. Do not think me terribly distressed, however. I have made many attempts to engage with others, if only to keep my mind occupied.

For so long I had thought it impossible that the moons should continue their revolutions without your presence. Yet each night I check, and they are still turning. I take comfort in this. Maybe, if I am the first of us to leave, you will remember the moons.

Sigyn


	2. Absence

Sigyn,

Remember the moons, I shall, but with you.

I can only offer words in gratitude for your compassion, your understanding of my reliance upon lies, if only in this instance.

How odd it is, how vain, that I also imagine life stopping without myself present. Just as we suspect that the world outside pauses when we go to sleep, so I imagine the world now. By this theory, you are in an endless night. So I release this small hope and great vanity in order that I may imagine you in a brighter place, as you have described. This gives me some peace.

I am beginning to suspect that the only reason our correspondence is allowed is so that the Allfather may claim some act of kindness towards me. I dare not give him thanks - he, who has left me here, but I will also not refuse the offer to write to you. If I am weak for doing so, then so be it.

He gives me the opportunity to write because he knows well the art of torture. He knows when to give physical pain and separation, and when to allow the prisoner to develop just enough hope to find the strength to survive. It is by this very thin thread that I now live. He knows that, without you, I would not have the desire to live. If the Allfather hopes to gain some sort of sentiment from me, he is mistaken. I know his craft, but admit that I am in a desperate enough circumstance that I must submit to it. These letters, he knows, are all that keep me here.

Write on.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

I have suspected as much regarding Odin's intentions, and have long ago accepted that you have, as well. Why do you not write his name? Is it enough to excite anger inside of you?

I know enough to know that you are in pain, but this hatred will kill you.

You are different from others. Your hatred is so much stronger than you know, stronger than your love. It will consume you.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Consume me? No, I think not.

You, who claim to know me so well, have made a poor summary of my feelings. I love you best, and my feelings are strong. Have they not kept me alive in this place?

Speak not of hatred. It is my own burden, one I refuse to share with you. You are strong, yes, but also wise. You should know that this is my own anger to carry. Let it be mine own.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Look at you, lying to yourself. This love you feel, it empties you, does it not? Longing drains you. In love's absence, hate begins to creep in and fill you. I am assured that you will deny this, but I know what you may not.

You claim that love keeps you alive, but I fear it is lust for revenge that pulses through you. You love me now, and have loved me for so long. But you have not avenged your fall, and this is what keeps you.

I am beginning to realize that I cannot save you, not from this.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

What makes you write like this? Dare you deny my affection? This kills me, pains me beyond any wound. This I cannot endure. I began to lose strength with every sentence of yours I read. May you never doubt my love.

Yes, maybe it does drain me. But now, instead of anger as you suppose, I am filled with frustration. How I want to scream to you, shout out my love; to shake you or grasp you so that you might feel the strength with which I love you. Instead I am left with words, which cannot strike the way I wish to. How I wish to grab you and pull you to me, to smother you in my embrace, if only for you to understand how much I am tortured by your recent words.

Please, I beg, do not think of me in such a dark way. You are my only light.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

The light is dimming. Must you continue in your denials?

You speak of violence towards me, do not refute it. I can forgive this because I can empathize with this frustration, the desire to instill upon another an idea.

Know that I empathize.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Why was your last correspondence so brief? Have you nothing to say?

Please, do not leave me with so little. The blank space on the paper leads me to imagine all the things you are not writing down, the things that I fear to think: that you are beginning to resent me, that you have found anger in your heart towards me. Do not let this be so.

I long to hear of your life now, tell me. I want to know everything you do, so that I may imagine myself with you. It is enough.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

For you, I will try.

Today I woke in an empty bed. It was not as cold as before. I had forgotten how to be alone. You may find this an odd statement, I am sure.

I, who often found excuses for privacy, am unsure of loneliness now. It is of a different sort than that which I had previously craved.

Before, I had wanted solitude in order to find and maintain an inner peace. I find that, if I should spend too much time with others, I begin to lose myself.

With you, I was able to uphold both a peace and a knowledge of self. But I repeat that it is true: I had forgotten how to be alone.

I had been so accustomed, so happily adjusted, to having you as a source of comfort and peace. With your absence, it has been hard. I struggled for a time to find the peace that I had for so long become adjusted to. I am remembering solitude again, and it is not entirely tragic. Be assured that I am not discovering to love you less, but rather accepting that I am not, in fact, dependent on another.

I love you. I did not always, as we both know to be true. It has been so long that I am only just now reflecting on how strong I thought I was for not needing another. Now that I have experienced love in its purest form, I know that I was a fool for thinking so.

But I was alone before, not distraught. Do you understand what I am attempting to express?

I love you, Loki. I do not need you.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

What has changed in my absence? You claim love, yet your very words deny it. Am I to suspect that another has come into your life?

No, that would be a weak hypothesis. You said so yourself, you do not need another.

I have said that I loved you for your strength, and this is true, but I am breaking, dear Sigyn. I have already admitted that my survival is dependent upon your words, and now you claim that you need me not. How am I to interpret this?

Love, as I have come to understand it, is needing another. Accordingly, I should assume that it is not love you feel for me. But I do not, must not, believe this. If it is so, I shall perish.

I am greatly concerned that, in my absence, you have grown to dislike me in some way. This disturbs me beyond that which you can comprehend. I must suspect some long-suppressed animosity is now bursting forth. You are angry because I am not there, and so old angers arise again.

For the entirety of my life, my words have been my guide, my trademark. Without them, I was lost, as I am now. What words, what vocabulary, must I use in order to display my fears and affections?

I had never thought I would fear losing you, and now this very feeling engulfs me. Instead of speaking to you now, in my thoughts, I am screaming at you, caressing you. Shouting at you; placing tender kisses on your skin.

I am torn. What would you have of me?

Loki

* * *

Loki,

You misinterpret me. My love is as strong as ever.

It is just, you have been so long absent that I can no longer live in sorrow. I am now forcing myself to find some new routine.

Tears are not rivers, and cannot run forever.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

I am afraid. Are you forgetting me?

Loki

* * *

Loki,

No! Never!

My love, it is you that I love. Do you not remember when I admitted it? I shall remind you.

It was a day so unlike this one, or rather, it was night. Yes! It was night, was it not? I believe so.

It was night, and I was alone. Wandering the halls of Asgard had long ago failed to aid my difficulty with falling asleep, and so I had then recently developed the habit of walking amongst the palace gardens.

The night was dark, and such a comfort it was. I felt like an intruder in the silence, as if my being awake were a sin in itself. I carried on, however, and walked through the bushes and petals. I found a sweet little stream with which to follow, and walked alongside it. I can remember its sound, even now, of the softest twinkle. It was the sweetest lullaby I have ever heard.

The stream, I found, led to a lake. It was silver under the moons and bright enough to be day. So captivated was I, that I had neglected to see a figure in the distance. Of course it was you.

You showed yourself soon enough. I recall immediately looking for an excuse to leave. Somehow, you convinced me to stay. You said that if we could not find solitude in dreams, perhaps we could find solace in each other. Out of curiosity, I remained.

We spoke little that night. We did not need to. Walking along, by the lake, was when I fell in love with you.

Your patience was extraordinary. I had suspected your intentions, though suppressed the theory. I had not thought you capable of such amicable feelings toward any. So grateful was I to be proved wrong.

And that was it. Do you recall? Such few words were exchanged, and yet a promise of solace was made.

I hope you remember now.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Thank you, dearest one. Of course I could never forget that night. That was when my distant affection became a possibility, and I found hope again. I went to my quarters, laid in bed, and could not fall asleep for hours. Yet when the sun rose, I was not fatigued.

As I write this now, it is my sincerest hope that you are sleeping beneath a dark sky. The thought gives me peace.

I am reading through your older letters so much that they are forever ingrained in my mind. Earlier, you mentioned my hesitation to write the Allfather's name. It is true, I hesitated. Giving him such a name equated, in my mind, an act of compassion or endearment. He elicits none of these from me - no longer.

I was hesitant again to bring up the subject, given our tendency to disagree on the matter. I have no wish to engage in another quarrel, and intend to let my previous statements be my final on the matter.

In my mind I return often to the lake. We were different then, I am sure of it. That water was then such a comfort, was it not? I find myself now recoiling at the thought.

Not of that lake, no, or of our memories there together. Days here are spent in agony, and I now disclose to you that it is poison that injures me so. That great Midgardian serpent of legend has been resurrected. Its fangs dwell over me and, with each drip, a spasm of incomprehensible pain shoots through me. I shake and wail, and cry out.

Then, when the night comes, the serpent slithers away to leave me to heal. It is then that I write to you.

Do you understand now why there is sometimes hostility in my words? It is because of a pain still coursing through me, and fear of another day that makes me speak so.

I did not wish to tell you this, but I do now so that you may better understand the circumstances with which I write to you.

Love me always

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Always, I shall. Never doubt this.

How long has it been, I wonder, since you were taken away? Too long, always too long. They never said how long you would be away. I cannot bear to think this punishment indefinite. I do not know if I crave to know an exact date with which to fixate my hopes on, or if I prefer the hope of waking every day to the possibility of seeing you again.

Of course, what follows is inevitable disappointment. It is unbearable.

Sigyn

* * *

My dearest Sigyn,

Forgive me if this is brief. I had thought myself so strong, and now I am reduced to this. The pain is ever-present now, inescapable. The poison has seeped into my veins and courses through me, so that every movement sends darts through my nerves. I am glad that you do not see me in such a state.

I have not seen myself in a long time, though I imagine myself very weakened. Gaunt, likely; paler, if possible.

Even sleep is evading me now, for how can I let myself rest when this vile liquid burns through me? I have long ago stopped longing for numbness. I suspect soon I shall long for death.

Write to me, Sigyn, keep me alive.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

What words have I that can revive you? If there are any, I beg of you to tell me them.

How selfish I feel now, whenever I am drowsy, knowing that you are denied sleep.

This poison, is there a way to get it out of you? I imagine that you have tried, though I suppose the serpent will return, will it not, should you figure it out.

What a position you have put me in. To know that you are in such pain, and then to beg you to stay alive. But I must do it, mustn't I? Then I shall.

Stay alive, Loki. Endure this pain, and let every horrible moment serve to remind you that you have not yet perished.

You will live, Loki. You must.

Sigyn

* * *

Sweet, patient, Sigyn,

Forgive me for not writing in so long. The pain has become too much, but I will endure. I read your last letter every moment that I can. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you for saving me.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

This is too much. I waited months for your reply. I know you are not at fault, but am I allowed to feel the slightest bit angry? It is so much easier to be angry. If I am not, then I am saddened, knowing that it is your pain that has halted our communication.

I did not know what to do. Every day I woke and forced myself to speculate as to whether or not you were still alive. I feared that I had not done enough - of course I didn't, but perhaps the right words in a letter could have saved you - and that you had succumbed to the pain. This continued on for so long that I convinced myself that it was true. I wore black for you, Loki. I mourned. And now you appear again!

In this absence, we have both suffered. Is it wrong that I thought you dead? Had I underestimated your strength? I am not sure.

Please, never leave me like that again. Even if you cannot manage words, send a letter anyway. Draw a line across the page, a curve or something, so that I may know you live still.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Apologies will never satisfy, nor should they, so I will spare you. Instead, I give you words.

I am alive, very much alive. You said so yourself that the pain served as a reminder, and I assure you that it does.

I live.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

It must have taken you such strength to compose your last letter. Though I relish each word, I cringe to think of the pain you endured to write it. If it is easier, please just make a mark so that I know you are fighting.

Sigyn


	3. Suffer

Sigyn,

Lines and curves are not enough. This correspondence must continue. What will I be to you if our only communication is an occasional assurance that I am not yet dead? No, we are capable of more. Conversation - that is what I crave now. Give it to me, with your letters. Write to me, in prose, in song, in vain - give me pages upon pages until you have composed a book in my honor. Just write to me, and give me something to hold on to.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

I am here, I am here.

Where are you?

You won't tell me, I know. You can't. Is Odin truly the only one who knows your whereabouts? Is Thor as blind as I? Frigga?

I dare to ask if they have visited you. Surely if Thor knew where you were, he would come. Even if he has not, I already know exactly how the exchange will take place.

He will come to you, visibly upset, and beg something of you. Empathy, forgiveness, or a chance for retribution. You will snarl and turn away.

You are used to this dance. You expect that he will always come back; you think him a fool. Is he a fool for loving you? If so, then what am I?

If your brother - and that is what he is - does manage to find you, show him kindness. If you are incapable of that, do not turn from him. Should you keep refusing the affection of those who love you, you will quickly find yourself alone.

Sigyn

* * *

Curious Sigyn,

No, neither Odin nor Thor have contacted me. Only you. I do not expect them to. Odin clearly would prefer me to be erased from his memory. What shame I must bring him, the foster son who failed him. As for Thor, your imagination is not incorrect. Should he approach me, I would likely give him such a cold reception. And no, Sigyn, I will not show him kindness. A fool he is, and a fool never changes.

I will not accept his love. Thor loves like a newborn puppy, naive and unaware. To love another requires knowledge of darkness, so that one may understand the warmth. As for Odin, love is not worth mentioning alongside him. I was, since birth, a diplomat to him. Nothing more. I was born to live in Thor's shadow.

Truly, I do not know where I am. All that I know is recorded in these letters: it is sometimes dark, sometimes light. This is all that I know.

Loki

* * *

Sigyn,

It has been weeks since your last letter. I would suspect that you were punishing me for not replying all those months ago, but that would certainly be a delayed revenge.

Is all well?

Loki

* * *

Sigyn,

It's been too long. Why have you not written to me?

Loki

* * *

Sigyn,

Answer me, please. Let me know that you are okay.

Loki

* * *

Sigyn,

Are you okay? Please let it be so. Write as soon as you can.

Loki

* * *

Sigyn,

Please, where are you?

Loki

* * *

To whomever may be intercepting these letters,

Know that, should any harm come to her, I shall lose all will to survive. If she dies, so will I.

Leave her be.

* * *

To whomever may be intercepting these letters,

It has been months and I have heard nothing, not even threats regarding her wellbeing.

Is this the latest form of torture? Was the serpent's poison not enough?

It is you, Odin, isn't it? You, who I had believed to be my father, had denied me the adoration most children receive from their parents. Now you seek to destroy the only being who loves me.

Is it so repulsive to you, that she should love a monster?

She has done no wrong. She shall not suffer on my behalf.

* * *

Odin,

Name your terms. I will oblige.

Loki

* * *

Odin,

It must be you.

Release her.

Loki


	4. Captive

Loki,

I have done wrong, but am not guilty of that which you accuse me.

I have been reading your letters, yes. Since the beginning. I know you will never speak to me, and so I find some satisfaction in reading your words. When you write to her, it is with such kindness. I admit, it is a part of you that I never knew quite well enough. I am still hopeful that one day I will get the opportunity to, should you allow me.

To alleviate your thoughts: I did not take Sigyn. She is not in my captivity, though perhaps it would be better if she were.

You know that I cannot release you. Nothing will lessen your sentence. But know this: I never wanted you to suffer in this way. You have done great evil, my son, but it is a terrible thing to lose one you love. You taught me this on the Rainbow Bridge.

I may speak too soon, however. Sigyn is not yet lost.

Make peace, my son,

Odin

* * *

Loki,

Some time has passed and you have yet to respond. I must assume that this is out of anger towards me rather than indifference towards Sigyn.

I know that you have not perished. Your heart beats on. It is out of hope of her return, is it not?

I have been selfish in composing this letter, terribly , sentiment is what drew me to write to you. It is my greatest desire to gain your forgiveness, an act which I hope you understand I have extended to you. Why then, you may ask, is the punishment necessary? Do not think that I enjoy torturing you.

I will argue that secluding you is completely necessary given your recent actions. You have committed great violence against those who have done you no harm. Worse yet, I saw in your eyes nothing. Nothing. Not even evil or anger. That is what most scared me.

Have you been reduced to this, an empty vehicle for destruction? You are capable of such great things, Loki. There was once good in you, and previously I had feared that evil had taken root. Then I stood convinced that you are drained of all feeling and remorse. After intercepting your letters to Sigyn, my conviction of your being lost faltered.

You showed such love and tenderness. Surely the man who composed such loving letters could not be capable of such horrors. Alas, it is so. And he is my son. And I love him.

Please remember that,

Odin

* * *

Brother -

What words have I in such a time as this? You were always the one for words. And now, when I am in such need of them, you are unreachable.

What would you say in my situation, if you were me? I think I can imagine what you would say. You would call me a great oaf, wouldn't you? That was always your favorite term for me. Is it pathetic that I now miss such derogatory endearments?

But, truly, what would you say? I have so much to express, to tell, but with such limited ways of directing it all to you. I suppose that I shall spare you the trouble of deciphering my attempt at prose.

Instead, I shall tell the truth in the most direct manner. This is easier for me.

I miss you, brother. I cannot quite forgive you, though I am unsure as to whether or not I am the one to be doing the forgiving. That would make it seem as if I were the final authority on your retribution.

Nevertheless, I am more than willing to begin to try. Because I miss you so, and want nothing more than to be by your side once again.

Of course, none of this is what you wish to hear. I shall reserve my sad sentiments for another letter. You wish to know about Sigyn. I know what she means to you, and so she means as much to me. I have spoken to her, yes, but she is so vague and reserved it is as if we never spoke at all. It is a wonder you manage to get a sentence out of her, much less an entire letter.

I so wish to see you happy.

Thor

* * *

Loki,

I understand that you may not feel compelled to reply. Your anger has always been slow to settle. That is well, then. I may be satisfied to know that you will be reading my correspondence and therefore, hopefully, feel my presence with you. I do not like the thought of you being alone.

Much is happening here, without you. How strange it is indeed that time has yet to recognize your absence! I speak with father daily, sometimes late into the night. Mother worries for you. Has she written? I suppose it is futile to ask. If she has not, I imagine it is because she struggles for words. She is much more emotional than father, and likely would not know where to begin composing such a letter.

I think of you, often, in your captivity. I dare not attempt to convince myself that you are well. Odin has told me nothing regarding your location or treatment, but I cannot assume either to be pleasant. With the little information I have been given, I can only hope that you are at least comfortable in your lodgings. Perhaps comfortable was not the right word to use. Would pleasant be better? No, no, that's quite worse. I shall settle on surviving.

I must leave now, there is much training to do, but I will write more soon.

Your brother,

Thor

* * *

My darling son,

I am ashamed! In a recent conversation with Thor I was inquired as to whether or not I had written to you. I was forced to admit to your brother that I had not. Do not think for one moment that this absence of communication is a result of conscious neglect or disownment.

There are simply too many things to say, and so many ways to say them. Is there a word a mother can use to describe the pain in her heart, knowing that her son is suffering but also aware of his evil past deeds? I cannot yet myself comprehend such notions. Instead, I suffer for you.

The halls are absent of your footstep, and my table missing your short quips. How a mother misses her son.

As I sit now, before this blank page, I retract my pen from the paper. What words have I to give? I fear that with any misplaced word or ill-structured sentence I am failing you. How I long to see your face, my dearest son. It is forbidden, I know. I grieve to think of it, but look forward to the day when you can join us at the table again.

Until then, I will continue to fret over every line I write to you, for there will be many.

With eternal love,

Frigga

* * *

Brother,

I suppose I should not be surprised that you have not yet responded to any of our letters. I would be even more surprised if you did. This does not prevent me from hoping, however, that you will.

Maybe once, in your captivity, you looked at a pen lying beside you and contemplated writing to me. Futile though it is, this thought comforts me. It will take much time for you to see me as your brother again, but please know that, in my eyes, you will always be mine.

Thor

* * *

Loki,

Still no letter, I see. That is well enough. I write to you now in an attempt to convince myself that this continues our very one-sided conversation. I feel as though I am talking to you now.

There is a lingering sadness here. I feel foolish speaking of it, what with whatever treatment you are receiving, but know this to be true: we are suffering in your absence. Mother's eyes are perpetually forlorn, even Odin cannot completely console her. I had never known the weight a mother's heart could carry until now, when I see it weighing her down.

Father, too, mourns in his own way. He speaks little of you, but I see it in his visage. I dislike seeing him so troubled. Mother and I privately fear him slipping into another Odinsleep. Should he be incapacitated for such a length of time, I will be the only one to comfort mother. I do not know what I should say to her. You were always better with words.

Thor

* * *

My son,

I have recently become aware of Frigga's and Thor's letters to you. Doubtless these have been overwhelming in quantity and substance. Upon discussing the matter with them, I realize that they have not given you any information regarding Sigyn. I feel it necessary to clarify that they did not do so out of deception. There is nothing to tell, as far as we know. She is well.

I imagine that Frigga and Thor unintentionally neglected to update you out of vanity. Both can think only of their own loss. They are not wrong for doing so, either. I myself struggle with it. You are a completely different person to each of us. In Thor's eyes, you were always his younger brother, so full of wisdom and quips. For Frigga, you were the adored son whose every mistake was instantly forgivable. I admit that I was never so naive in my feelings towards you.

As you and Thor began to grow together, I saw darkness in you. You enjoyed mischief to the extent that I feared you sought the validation of others more than accounted for their safety. You longed to see Thor's smile upon discovering your latest trick, ignorant as to whether or not any person was injured in the process. This dangerous thinking I had failed to correct. I say all this with the full knowledge of my love for you. For that is what I feel, Loki, never dare doubt this.

Odin

* * *

Brother,

Odin has recently enlightened me of my ignorant letters. Of course you would have wanted to hear of Sigyn! To repay this, I spoke with her recently. It is my hope that this will compel you to return a letter.

She is well, do not fear. I will admit, however, that it took quite a bit of working to get her alone. I suspect that she had not wanted to speak with me. Even in conversation, she appeared reserved and unwilling to speak beyond common formalities. I was hesitant to speak, for fear of offending, but I reminded myself that I was speaking on your behalf. I asked Sigyn why she had not written to you. She at first pretended to be shocked that I knew of your correspondence! She is not near so clever a liar as you, though, and I caught her in it. After this, Sigyn conceded that you two had exchanged messages. Again, I asked why this had stopped. I am sorry to report that her answer was vague and unrevealing. She told me that "Life is moving on without him."

The rest of our conversation was trivial, but I thought that one particular comment would be interesting to you. I do not believe that she meant it, not truly. I believe that she was trying to convince me that she had little residual feeling for you. There was something false in this conduct. I am as of yet unsure as to why she acted in such a manner. I will of course continue to search for the truth as to why she stopped writing.

I do not know Sigyn well, you know, but I do not doubt your mutual affection. I think that she must love you, and you her. This does not explain her recent manner, but do not believe that she has in fact moved on without you.

Do you remember the first time we lost you, after you let go on the Rainbow Bridge? The mourning period was terrible, Loki, terrible. Odin said nothing, but it showed in his conduct. He was stiffer in posture than usual, and certainly more rigid. Frigga was quite the opposite, breaking into tears at every reminder of you. I, for my part, tried to be like father but, in quiet moments, shed tears as mother did. It was so hard to lose you then, and now twice. How many times must I mourn you?

What I mean to say is that we all have different forms of mourning. Sigyn lost you twice as well, and likely this time has been especially hard on her. I cannot begin to comprehend her reasoning for halting the correspondence, but I will not judge her for it. Give her time, Loki. At this point, that's all you have.

Thor


	5. Agony

Son of Laufey,

Your suspicions have been misguided.

For your failure to deliver Earth, the Chitauri now demand that you suffer as we have.

You will never see her again.

* * *

Odin,

Attached is the original letter sent to me in captivity. If I may not be released to find her, may you retrieve her yourself. Unharmed.

Loki.

* * *

Loki,

Upon reading your message we have checked and found Sigyn no where in Asgard. We now assume this threat to be real and will respond appropriately.

Know that we will extinguish every resource to find her, if only for you. Without a moment's hesitation, Thor volunteered to lead the rescue. He does not know the Chitauri as you do, and will go into this quest blind. Will you assist him?

Odin

* * *

Thor-

The Chitauri are smart, smarter than you. What they lack, however, is ambition. Without the presence of their leader, they are lost. If you can destroy the Chitauron, they will fall for lack of foundation.

He is intelligent, not strong. Get him alone. Exterminate him. Find her.

Loki

* * *

Brother,

I have received your letter. Is there anything else that I need to know?

I will find her.

Thor

* * *

Thor -

They will anticipate your coming. Prepare a diversion using the Warriors Three. Let them distract and eliminate as much of the army as possible while you find the leader. Once you do, it is imperative that you destroy him immediately. This will cause a frenzy, which you will avoid by again using the Warriors Three as bait. Once this is done, stay hidden and find her. They have cells below the surface. She is likely in one of these.

Loki

* * *

Brother,

As soon as I set this paper down I will embark on this mission.

For the first time, I am afraid. In most circumstances of battle, if I were to lose, then I would simply perish. In this instance, there is more at stake. Should I fail to kill the Chitauran, Sigyn is almost certainly condemned. I am afraid of failing you. Or have I already?

I must extinguish these thoughts from my mind. I will find her, brother, or I will die for it. This is a worthy cause.

Thor

* * *

Loki,

No news yet. Thor has just left with Sif, Volstagg, and Hogun. They are heavily armored.

Odin is not brave enough to admit it, but he is scared. So am I.

We fear only as parents can. For Thor, knowing his tendency to make rash decisions. Especially now, with so much at stake. The pressure might lead him to go too far.

For you, should we fail to return her. My fears are selfish in this one, that you would never forgive us if we did not.

And, of course, for her. That she may come safely home.

My sons are not home. You, my Loki, are in captivity as punishment. My eldest, Thor, your brother, marches off to war in your place. What men you have both become.

I must stop now, my hands are shaking. Please know that whatever the outcome of this, that we all love you dearly.

Your loving mother,

Frigga

* * *

Odin,

Have there been any developments?

Loki

* * *

Odin,

I have heard nothing. You must know how mad I am becoming.

Loki

* * *

Odin,

Is she alright?

Loki

* * *

Loki,

All is well as it can be.

Thor has returned, and Sigyn with him. She is not unharmed, but will make a quick recovery. Thor is injured as well, with maladies more severe than those of Sigyn. His wounds are much deeper.

He will not leave her side, now that she is back. It is as if being near her makes him feel closer to you. Perhaps she feels the same.

Relax, son. Sigyn is safe, as is your brother.

Odin

* * *

Odin,

I am in agony beyond that of any physical wound. Tell me the details of her injuries so that I may know how she suffers.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Her wounds are minor, inflicted only because she resisted in the initial capture. Bruised skin and fractured bones heal quickly, and she is now adequately bandaged. She appears very tired and constantly drifts into sleep. We are keeping her in a room in the palace so that she may rest comfortably.

Odin

* * *

Odin,

I thank you for delivering the report and urge you to speak with her. Tell her to write as soon as possible, but not to rush the recovery.

Loki


	6. Circumstance

Son,

Your father showed me the last letter and asked that I speak with Sigyn. I do not think he knows what to tell her.

She says that she wishes to write to you soon. Yet in the middle of our conversation, she drifted away again. The ordeal has quite exhausted her. I imagine that she was kept awake for some time while in their possession.

Until she is fully able to regain her capabilities, it may be best for you to write to her. Though she sleeps often, I doubt that it is peacefully. Give her words for comfort, the words that we cannot provide.

Frigga

* * *

Sigyn, oh Sigyn,

You cannot know the pain that erupted within me when I first received the Chitauri's letter informing me of your abduction. It was my greatest fear: to be faced with such an obstacle, and be completely unable to overcome it.

I have been stuck here, as always, receiving mediocre updates regarding your well-being. They say that you sleep often. Do you feel well? I hope that your sleep is thoughtless.

What words are there? Tell me, and I will give them.

Loki

* * *

Loki, my love,

I am well, do not worry. I was a bargaining piece, nothing more. It is over now.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Your last letter was so brief. Are you still injured? I was told that you were sleeping often. Tell me, are you in pain? Are you receiving adequate treatment?

Assuming you to be in some way incapable of writing more, I will not ask that you send me a lengthy note, but do please give me updates on your wellbeing.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

I will. I apologize for the short notes, but I am so very tired. They kept me awake for a very long time.

The treatment I am receiving now is more than adequate, thank you. The dosages make me even more sleepy than before, so my hours of consciousness are almost all blurs. Whenever I manage to find a clear thought, I write it down in a letter to you. These are my moments of being awake.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Do not overwork yourself, not now. Rest, sweet Sigyn, rest. I pray that you rest.

Loki

* * *

Sigyn,

It has been some time since you have last written to me. Is everything alright?

Loki

* * *

Patient Loki,

I am writing to you now after nearly two weeks of halted communication. It was not intentional, I assure you. In my weakened condition I caught sick, but am now nearly fully recovered. They tell me to rest so that I will feel better, but I am so sick of lying down.

Tell me, how are you? Have circumstances changed since our last complete correspondence? I thought of you often when I was taken, and hoped that you were without much pain. Are you? In pain? I wonder if I want to know.

But really, do not spare me with vague updates. I want to know how you are, so tell me.

Sigyn

* * *

Tired Sigyn,

I will oblige.

I am well, considering. Physically, little has changed. The serpent still lurks in the walls of this prison, unheard and unseen. But I feel it slithering through the cracks, its presence enough to give me chills in the night.

Mentally, I am nearly broken. I know it unfair to tell of my sufferings in light of your horrendous treatment, but you asked how I was. I feel I must tell you.

When I first stopped receiving your letters I was so confused, and, I will admit, scared. I thought you had abandoned me. Do you hate me for thinking this? In this loneliness it is so easy for me to convince myself of anything. The god of lies saves the best tricks for himself.

Then I began to think that you were harmed in some way, and I was eventually proven right. Letters started coming in from the Allfather, Frigga, and Thor about your disappearance. Odin wrote to me in vague terms, very formal. I do not think he quite knows what to say to me. With Frigga, this is not so. She who I once thought my mother sent me pages of notes full of maternal concern and fretting. Thor sent shorter letters. He sounded very desperate. He attempted to elicit from me former sentimentalities by trying to paint himself as the unwilling hero of your rescue. He claims he did it for me, not you. I am left to believe that Thor brought you back as a sort of peace offering to me. I do not understand why he tries anymore. We are not brothers. It is done.

You know, I had intended this letter to be more comforting in tone. Instead I have merely rattled on about my family matters. Do forgive this.

When I have more joyful things to share, be assured that you will know.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

It has been a few days since I wrote. My update will be brief: I am recovered and out of bed, enjoying the fresh air once again. It is so nice that I never want to sleep again.

Returning to your previous letter, I am curious about the nature of these conversations between you and your family. Do not quarrel with me about the label with which I use - they are your family.

Tell me, though, what do they say? Moreover, what do they not? You said that Odin was "formal" and you perceive this as animosity. This isolation has done little for your wits. You used to be so good at people and understanding them.

As for Frigga, I would have expected nothing less. What a sweet, kind woman that you have for a mother.

And for Thor, sweet Thor. He is trying so hard to love you, you know. And you refuse him. He is greatly hurt, I imagine. Please Loki, let him love you.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

I ask that our discussion of my former family halt. This is a subject which I feel has exhausted itself and needs no further reflection.

Loki

* * *

Loki!

I am certainly capable of not mentioning the looming discontent between you and your family, but my failure to bring up the subject will not make it go away. You're smart, you know this.

But, for now, I will spare you. So I will tell you of other, happier things.

I have fallen into such a strange routine. Where my days were once consumed by you, I am now forced to seek contentment outside of our relationship.

When I am feeling particularly lost, I find myself by the lake when we first truly met. Is that odd? I'm not sure, but I find myself very calm in that setting. Especially at night, when there is no sound and the only movement is a cool breeze sending small ripples across the glassy water. It is so nice. Whenever I begin to miss you, I tell myself that there will come a time again when we can sit together by the lake.

I hope this day is soon.

Sigyn


	7. Here

My son,

Are you well? I have not heard from you in so long.

I know that recent events have damaged our relationship, but I so wish to repair what has been broken. Will you please give me that chance?

I have decided that, since so much of your anger has stemmed from our keeping information from you, the best way to move forward is to tell you everything. I will do my best to.

You already know how your father found you in Jotenhiem. It was after the battle, and he was freshly injured. He heard the cries of an infant and found you, abandoned in the temple. He knew you to be Laufey's son, and saw that you were of a smaller size than most Frost Giant babes. Likely, Laufey had left you, possibly for dead.

Whenever you feel anger in your heart towards Odin, your father, please remember this: that he took you in. When he held your small body in his large palms, he saw an innocent child unaware of the politics and horror around him. He told me once that you were such a sweet child and that, once you ceased crying, a soft smile crept unto your face. It was then that Odin saw your skin begin to change to match his, and then when he saw an opportunity. Not just to acquire a future diplomat, as you have put it, but to raise a child of the Frost Giants under our ways in order to prove the compassion that exists between our worlds. Do not think that you were merely groomed to be an ambassador, that is untrue. Yes, the Allfather did hope that you would one day be able to forge an alliance between our peoples, but he also found much love in his heart for you. You bring him so much pain, Loki. He has so much trouble loving you. Do you see how hard he tries?

Frigga

* * *

Loki,

Still no response. Still, I must assume that you are reading my letters. In my last I mentioned your father and his troubled relationship with you, and I fear that I misspoke.

I did not mean that he had trouble loving you in the sense that you are difficult to love (quite the contrary), but that Odin has always struggled with his more compassionate emotions. He is a warrior first, and feelings of sentimentality do not come easily to him. I believe this is why Thor is so great a fighter, that he reflects Odin's bravado but is able to retain a strong sense of compassion. He is an emotional fighter, especially when he fights for those he loves.

What I mean to say is that Odin saw more of himself in Thor. Your brother is a leader and a warrior, and contained from a very young age Odin's same fighting qualities. With you, you were more of an intellectual, more preoccupied with devising tricks than training for battle.

Do you understand what I am trying to say?

Much love,

Frigga

* * *

Son,

Your mother has showed me her latest letters to you before sending them off. As always, she seems very preoccupied with telling the sweeter side of the story.

I was interested to read how she described the relationship between you and I. It has been a tense one, I know, and for this I must take blame. I do agree with your mother, though, that you should be told the complete truth. Frigga's truth is often more positive than my own, and so possibly you will be able to look at both of ours and find some truth for yourself.

Everything she said about the day I found you is true. You were so small, and so seemingly helpless, that you elicited from me a compassion I did not yet know. A compassion of which your mother seems to think I am incapable. Regardless, I saw your innocence and wanted to protect you and raise you as my own son. I brought you back to Asgard, to Frigga, and we raised you alongside Thor.

As you both grew up the differences between you two became increasingly and alarmingly obvious. Where Thor was impulsive, you were calculating; where he was emotional, you were rigid; where he played with others, you entertained yourself. This would not have been an issue if I had not seen something else, something far more disturbing. I admit, Loki, that I saw a great darkness in you. From an early age, you were never quite in step with your peers. At the time, I could not understand and assumed it to be the Frost Giant in you. Of course, that assumption was without evidence and I quickly threw it away. I began to suspect that there was always something ill-intentioned behind all of your mischief, something beyond the validation of Thor's approval and laughter.

This is why I was never so open with my love for you, because I feared your darkness and what you could become. And now, when it is too late, I realize that my neglect pushed you further down that path.

Understanding all of this, I still love you. You are my son and I raised you, and know that you have always been destined for greatness. I am only saddened to see this power used for evil will, and hope that you will be able to start over again.

I love you, my son,

Odin

* * *

Loki,

I know that you told me not to speak of your family, but I ran into Frigga the other day. She mentioned that she had been writing letters to you and was hoping for a response. I sincerely hope that you intend to give her one.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Must we discuss such matters? Please, my darling, give me more than that, a simple chastising. I need to hear you. Speak to me.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Do you not hear me? I am screaming out, crying for you. Are my shouts not heard through the pen's mark?

I am here, Loki, I am here. I am here. I am here.

I AM HERE

Hear me.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

How wonderfully refreshing. I had thought I lost you again.

I do so enjoy witnessing the strength in you. It is a quality I find lacking in most. When news arrived of your kidnapping, I will disclose that I was concerned not only for your wellbeing, but for your character. Let me explain.

Being forcibly taken is something I am not unfamiliar with, and so I now better understand the complexity with which such a circumstance occurs. However, I felt somewhat distanced from you at that point. This girl, this girl who gets kidnapped and taken prisoner, I did not know that girl. I knew of Sigyn, a strong woman with a fighter's body and mind.

I just do not like the thought of you being physically overpowered in some way. It troubles me to imagine that you were ever powerless or incapable of fighting back.

This is irrelevant, I know, and even more offending. But do you understand what I mean to say?

Loki

* * *

Loki,

I do, I understand. I felt it, too.

I was ashamed that they were capable of taking me, ashamed that I had to be rescued like some helpless damsel. Do not think of me as such.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

* * *

You say otherwise, but I feel that you are offended. Of course I do not truly believe that you are weak and helpless. Because I know you, I know better.

Are you still struggling with this? I think this is why you sound so angry when speaking of your kidnapping.

Do remember that, though I may not be as amicable as others, I am good at reading people. And you, Sigyn, are of the best of them. You are not weak, you feel weak. Know the difference.

It will take time for you to accept that you were overpowered, and time more to recover. This is why it is so good that you have time.

When that time does come, I ask that you remember that it was I who supported you throughout. Because I will be.

Always yours,

Loki

* * *

Loki,

I smiled reading your letter. You know, I never understood the importance of words until I met you. Your latest have lifted me out of this spell, and I am on my way to recovery.

Thank you,

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

I am so glad to hear that I have affected you recently in such a positive way. We shall now move on from this topic, but please, if you should return to old insecurities, do not hesitate to tell me. I can help you get through this, you know that I can.

Loki


	8. Quiet

Brother-

It has been long since I wrote to you. Longer still since you have replied. No matter.

There is so much that I wish to disclose to you, but I know that, should I even drop one wrong word, I will lose all chance of receiving a reply. So I will speak to you plainly and avoid topics of controversy, if I can.

Things are quiet here. It is a very nice change from recent events, and the air has calmed considerably. There is much time for reflection now, a habit I recall you much enjoying. Out of spite, or sentimentality, I am engaging in such activity.

After I train, I find my body weary but my mind not yet clear. One afternoon I stood and looked about me, and remembered how you used to always wander through the grounds. I tried it out.

I understand now why you always spent so much time there. I find it so peaceful. There, I am not in the mindset of the warrior, nor of the royal. I am nearly complete. Is this how you feel when you are there?

Maybe I just enjoy the novelty of trying something so completely new, but I cannot believe how much I relish the hours spent out on the grounds.

Thor

* * *

Brother,

Still no reply. Very well. I will do the speaking.

I am still training every day. Sif and the Warrior's Three join me most sessions, and I dare say that they have even beaten me a few times. This only pushes me further.

Just as I imagine that you have much time for reflection wherever you are, so I have found time for myself. I mentioned previously my frequenting the palace grounds, and am proud to report that I have kept up this habit.

You often mocked my sentimentality, and so I am embarrassed to admit that I thought of you in my time of solitude. Do not fear, brother, there was no pity. Rather, I just kept thinking back to what you were doing just then.

You know that I would get so bored in solitary confinement, what with the little room to train or pace. For you, I wonder how you are faring. You do not need to tell me, though. I cannot image that you would enjoy recounting your time there.

In my mind, you are reading constantly. I hope that you have been provided with a multitude of books with which to sort through. Unlike me, you have never found the written word to be boring or tedious.

As children, and as adults, you mocked me for my intelligence. Though I tried to take little notice, these comments did affect me. I disliked being considered mentally inferior, or inferior in any way. Instead of reading and studying like you, I turned to training. I had resigned to the fact that you more smarter and sought to best myself physically.

I have come to the recent conclusion that you were wrong. Can you believe that I had internalized your remarks for so long? I am rather ashamed.

For a long time, you were the intelligent one. I gave little thought to my actions and did everything out of impulse. Recent events have changed me. I feel more responsibility now. No longer am I protecting only myself, but an entire kingdom. This burden terrified me. I did not confront the truth for a very long time, until I was forced to realize that I am responsible for the safety of both Asgard and Midgard. I am beginning to accept this, just as I am beginning to accept that I have grown intellectually.

I am intelligent, Loki. I have changed.

Thor

* * *

Thor-

Recognition of fault does not merit wisdom.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Well, it seems that confinement has not silenced your silver tongue completely. My surprise and gratitude at your reply does not eclipse the nature of your letter.

Again, you are wrong. Reflection leads to insight, which inherently leads to wisdom. I am no fool, no longer.

Thor

* * *

Thor-

Your apparent wisdom does not explain your continued attempts at contact with me.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Is it foolish to salvage some hope? I think not.

You are no fan of sentiment, I am well aware, but must I remind you of our childhood? We grew up together, Loki. Were raised together.

If my words are not enough, I know that Sigyn's are. I have spoken with her recently. She, too, believes that you may find retribution. She and I share the same hope for you.

Thor

* * *

Loki,

I apologize for the delay in my reply. You must forgive me.

I imagine that your brother has mentioned our recent conversation. Do not be angered. We actually are sort of friends, in a way. Of course, our mutual connection is you.

Nevertheless, I am happy to report that all is well here. Thor and I spoke about your current condition and managed to find solace in each other's worry. Do not think it belittling to have others fretting over you, Loki - it proves that you are loved.

Each day that passes without you is one day closer to when you are released. I tell myself this constantly, do you?

You have been gone for so long that your eventual return seems nearly impossible. It is such a far-off thing now that I cannot imagine it finally happening. How I long to see you again.

Love always,

Sigyn

* * *

Thor,

You think that by mentioning her name, I will be reduced into sympathy? Weak associations are not enough.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Very well. But do you at least understand what I meant?

You harbor inside of you a great darkness, a great deal of hate. I was blind before, but you have pried my eyes open. But darkness is not the end. It is a part of you, but it cannot consume you. I can accept this as long as I know that the brother I grew up with still exists.

Thor

* * *

Thor-

You have no brother.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Our blood is not the same, I know. But we are brothers. Let none tell you otherwise.

I loved you so, love you even still. My admiration clouded my judgement, as I could not see the resentment you carried. Only now, after so much time has passed, can I understand what your childhood was truly like. You thought me the favored, did you not? Even more, you thought yourself better, or at least more intelligent.

When I think back to it, I can imagine all of the hatred you felt. When we were still worshipped by the inhabitants of Midgard, they favored strength rather than intellect. I, the warrior, was revered. You, the thinker, were deemed a trickster. I had not known how much that neglect had bothered you.

But Loki, you arrogant fool, you never noticed that I worshipped you. You were - and are - my brother, wise and sly and always able to make me laugh. Remember when you made the suckled boar rise from its plate and begin to dance about the table? Volstagg got so angry - he said you had made his dinner run away from him! I remember the hungry look in his eyes even now.

Your memory, it seems, is very selective.

Thor

* * *

Thor,

I remember well. A childhood spent in a shadow, a mind outweighed by a hammer. You were the favored; I, the forgotten.

No matter. Those days are long past us. My, how we have changed.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Do not be so short with me. Time has led to many developments, yes, but fundamentally we have not changed.

You still consider me intellectually inferior, do you not? And I still admire your dry wit.

I ask that you not be so willing to ignore the more positive aspects and events of your life. Remember that I was there after Odin yelled at you for sneaking out instead of lessons, when you tried to freeze the entire lake but instead nearly drowned, and when we snuck out late at night into the forest so that I could teach you sword work without others watching. I have not forgotten.

And, seeing the way you have fought recently, you have not forgotten our midnight training sessions.

Thor

* * *

Thor,

You keep trying to connect with me on some level. First you appeal to me through Sigyn, and now through recalling past memories. Stop this tired game.

Loki


	9. Insight

Loki,

How are you faring? I have yet to receive a response from you, but no matter. I am aware of your correspondence with Thor, and would encourage you to continue. But that will only make you want to stop, won't it?

I have spoken with Thor many times over the past few days. Though brief, our encounters have been wonderful. He showed me some of your letters to him, and I admit that I may have rolled my eyes a bit. Forgive me, but I am forever amused by your sass.

Thor did not share in my humor, though, and seemed discouraged by your responses. It hurts me to know that this knowledge would please you. I wonder if your intention really is to hurt him. What energy it takes to hate another. Far easier is it to love, I have found.

May your burdens be lighter,

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

I apologize for not responding so soon. Yes, I have replied to a few of Thor's letters but do not intend to keep up the communication. He is a fool for retaining any sentiments towards me.

As for you, my dear one, I do not appreciate your snide remarks. You laugh at my 'sass' as you called it and, my darling, how deeply you offended me. I work so hard to compose these witty lines, you know. What a shame that you should undermine them.

And why must you continue meeting Thor? You two have no connection to each other, save for me, and my connection to Thor was severed long ago. You both seek to restore the past, while I remain fixated on the future. Yet I am deemed the villain. Why is this?

Do provide insight,

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Why, you ask? What an intriguing question you present me with. I shall do my best to answer.

Our past, Loki, is much happier than your perceived future. Thor and I can remember brief, wonderful moments of joy with you while all you can think of is future retribution. You are embittered by a lonely past that did not occur. You are so willing to paint yourself as the outcast that you forget that you once found happiness in these halls, with that family.

We are separately asking you to remember the past because it is so full of good things. The tricks, the lake, the training sessions - all beautiful things! Why are you so willingly blind?

I am so frustrated now that I cannot hold this pen for much longer. I fear that I may rip across the page and tear it apart.

Pacify me, Loki, and think of the past,

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

The past. The past you think I falsely remember.

I remember a shadow. I remember a ruler posing as a father. A monster trying to be a god.

I remember many things, Sigyn, and never can I forget them. Do not ask me to return to those days.

Loki

* * *

Misguided Loki,

Why must you sit on this weak foundation of lies?

The shadow - the shadow was only there because you allowed it to be! You never let it go or moved. Instead you sat in its darkness and let it become you. Now lies are your life, and you know them so well.

Odin - the ruler as the father, is your father. Neither he nor Frigga can claim blood heritage, no, but they raised you. They are your parents, and denying it would only leave you standing alone.

You - a monster trying to be a god. Who told you that you were a monster? It was yourself! And even if another had said it, you certainly didn't have to believe them!

You stupid, stupid, stupid man. Why do you refuse to see?

Sigyn

* * *

Angry Sigyn,

I can feel your frustration pulsing through your veins as I read your words. How grand they are, how ineffective.

I am stupid, then, for giving up? I have resolved that I have no parents, no family, and I can rest with this. You are the one who is not content, you and Thor. Let it rest.

Loki

* * *

Stubborn Loki,

You always manage to ask the impossible of me. You cannot truly expect for me to give up so easily now, can you? I would have hoped that you knew me better by now.

I will not relent in my persistence that you at least attempt to reacquaint yourself with your family. You may dispute this, but it hurts them to watch you suffer. You are imprisoned, yes, but you are very much loved. To believe anything else would be to accept a lie.

This is not want you wanted in a reply, I am sure, but I also have little doubt that you expected anything less in return. You know how strongly I feel about the bonds of family, and so must understand how difficult it is for me to witness the tension and adversity evident in yours. Following this logic, I assume that you are aware of my feelings as I have made a point to repeat them to you incessantly. I think I am hoping that you will eventually internalize some of my words, though I am sure that they just bounce right off of you.

What a fool I am for loving you.

Sigyn

* * *

Foolish Sigyn,

Fools both are we, I completely agree. I am content.

The hours are growing so long here, dear Sigyn, so terribly long. Your voice is the only light in this dark cave.

Do you think me weak, sentimental even, for expressing these thoughts? I admit that I quite dislike revealing such softness in character.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

What makes you ask this? Have I not received all of your other letters, some full with words of pain and agony from the poison? I am curious as to why this is just now occurring to you. Tell me, trickster, what is running around in your mischievous mind.

And of course it does not make you weak! Only an absolute fool would deny being in pain or suffering - this is the act of a very insecure individual. I would be surprised, however, if you did feel comfortable sharing such thoughts, even with me. Honesty is not in your nature, especially of the humbling sort.

I wonder, is it refreshing? Terrifying?

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Refreshing and terrifying all the same, with the usual anxiety. I find that I much dislike this habit of truth-telling and am, at this very moment, concocting several lies to share with you. Would you like to hear them?

I have not suffered at all whilst here. In fact, I am rather enjoying the forced solitude. Where I once sought out independence, I am now confronted with loneliness and boredom in the finest sense.

I do not miss you. Not at all. You have not once crossed my mind, especially when I am just on the verge of sleep and in that world between the physical and the cosmic.

I have become very tolerant and patient here. The days pass so slowly that I cannot but be extraordinarily calm throughout. There exists here no sense of crippling anxiety or overactive imagination. I have not exhausted my mind into such a frenzy that I am sometimes exhausted just from thinking.

I am so incredibly happy. I am never bothered by anyone here, except that serpent that keeps slithering through the walls. No one interrupts me or seeks out my company, and it is so wonderful.

My final lie is my best: do not write to me, Sigyn. I do not need you.

Loki

* * *

Lying Loki,

How clever you are with your tricks and your lies. I am curious to know which ones you withheld from your last letter. Do share - I am so eager to know.

Until then, you shall not receive the satisfaction of anything else from me.

Write quickly!

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

Very well, if this is the game you choose to play. My lies are as follows:

I enjoy the physical confinement of this space. I have little need for a large area with which to pace about and instead much prefer this cramped, cozy living place.

I do not stiffen every time I hear the serpent slithering through the walls. Though I believe it has done its job for me, I know that when my skin heals, it will return. I cannot wait.

I sleep well. So well, in fact, that my mind is perfectly clear in the morning, or whenever I wake up.

There is so much light. This well-lit dwelling is a small oasis that provides relief.

Lastly, I miss my family. So terribly. Laufey is gone, and so only my adoptive family in Asgard remains. They treated me so well as a child. Odin sees me as his own son, and Thor regards me as his equal. We were all happy together.

Are you satisfied?

Loki

* * *

Sly Loki,

Would you like a round of applause for your cleverness? Never mind, I imagine you have already congratulated yourself enough. I refuse to give you the satisfaction.

What lies you tell, and what truths you reveal! Be careful, trickster, your deception goes both ways.

I am not, however, satisfied. But I am rather intrigued. Tell me, have you any more lies to share? I find your mention of this 'happy family' fascinating. Was Odin not a paternalistic presence? Frigga not a loving mother? Thor not a dutiful brother?

The notion of a perfect family in itself is a lie, and I am quite surprised to find that you have believed it for so long. A family is not meant to be whole or functional or perfect, Loki, it's meant to build strength.

But enough of my preaching, you have some lying to do.

Sigyn

* * *

My sarcastic Sigyn,

I am beginning to believe that my letters are received only for your entertainment. But forget this, you wanted lies, and lies about my family. And here they are:

My childhood was free of burden and expectation. I was never led on to believe that I might one day rule Asgard, not once did I feel required to mature before I was ready. Never did Thor and I fight over little things just to assert dominance. Never did I stay up late at night practicing illusions and tricks to best him. Never did I try to beat him up to impress a nearby Odin. Never was I scorned for such action.

Never was I denied an equal place in my family. Never was I told that Thor was the better warrior, and the better son.

Odin always looked at me with kind eyes, as if he saw himself in me. Never did his expression soften when he turned to Thor.

(I did not overlook your words, Sigyn) Frigga was terrible to me. I could never seek her out for comfort. She never embraced me, consoled me, or accepted me. She never knew who I truly was, and she never loved me despite it.

These are my lies for you, Sigyn. Make of them what you will.

Loki


	10. Talks

Loki,

I wonder if you realize how impossibly frustrating it is to love you. You, who would rather die defending a belief than admit it to be false. You silly boy.

I dislike being the one to tell you how much your family loves you. It is not my job, and, moreover, you should know this already.

I suspect that Frigga is seeking an audience with me. I see her pass by occasionally, and I swear I feel her stare linger. I'm curious to see what she will say, are you not?

I am realizing now that all of my paragraphs are beginning with the word "I" - this one being no exception. How horribly vain!

Please, write me something good.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

What demands you give me, and what objections you raise.

Sigyn, I am so tired of you pestering me about them. Please spare me the constant reminders of the past. Please, just let this one thing go. It is nothing.

And never apologize for vanity. You possess many qualities, most of which I am fond, but vanity is certainly not one of them. You, Sigyn, are the quiet girl who I once had to beg to speak to me and the shy-eyed young woman wandering the halls of Asgard.

Tell me more of your life, tell me everything. Let every other word be "I" because, so long as I am reading your words, I am in another place. Do continue.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Very well, but you may not be pleased with your demands.

I spoke with Frigga today. You didn't think I'd let you forget that comment, did you? I can only imagine how drained you must feel after being consistently nagged about your family, I know, but know that I hate that I have to do it.

But, nevertheless, I did speak with Frigga. And what a fascinating talk it was.

She was formal with me at first, maybe even a little nervous? I could not tell. She and I do not know each other well, and considering my relation to her the situation was certainly uncommon. Still, she was so proper and refined that even in her softest moments, she was as regal as the stories imply.

She wanted to speak to me about you. Surprised? I thought that I wasn't, until she began to talk and I realized that she came to me for different reasons than I thought.

Truly, I initially believed that Frigga had wanted to speak with me because she was trying to communicate with you more directly. Possibly get me to say something kind about her to you, to convince you to reply to her letters, something along those lines. She mentioned similar things at first, but those dead-ends quickly went away.

No, I was surprised to find that she came to me not seeking help but comfort. I am not sure if she knows this is why she came, but I am certain of it.

At first she tried to get to know me. She asked basic preliminary questions about my personal history and such, and I answered accordingly. I was surprised, then, when she began to speak about you as a child. I almost laughed! Here I was, the disgraced lover of an imprisoned god, receiving embarrassing childhood stories from his recently-estranged mother. And yet it was so nice.

I am laughing now imagining your face as you read this. Mortification is what I hope you feel right now.

Do not fret, Loki, her stories were innocent enough. Frigga began to tell me about what you were like as an infant and how you used to not be able to control your powers. She said that once you accidentally turned into a snake, right there in your cradle! We laughed about that one.

Then she looked at me expectantly, and at first I was not sure what she wanted me to say. Then I realized she wanted me to share some stories in return. Of course that's why she came! Because Frigga could not be with you, I was the surrogate. She needs to feel connected to you, and so she came to me. I thought it was sweet.

Of course, I did share some things with her. I told your mother about how we first met. I hope that wasn't too private of a moment to share with her, but I will not apologize for doing so. You should have seen the smile on her face when I told her, Loki, she looked so proud. For a brief moment, there was no sadness in her eyes. Just a mother happy for her son.

Then I told her about how you and I used to never speak to each other, how I was that - how did you put it? - shy-eyed young woman walking the halls while he ran around playing tricks. Then I told her about our letters. I didn't say much, but I told her about your general condition. She looked so worried about you, though, so I exaggerated your wellbeing a little bit. Even then I do not think that she believed me.

You know what? It was nice speaking to her. I'm glad that I did. And that's all I have to say.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn -

Again with this nagging.

The world you took me to in this last letter was not one I wanted to be a part of. I cannot understand why you continue to insist on pestering me.

Please, my love, tell me about your world, one that I can escape to.

Loki

* * *

Demanding Loki,

I will try.

It is so strange how time is passing now. Sometimes the hours drag on while other times the days fly by. Is it the same for you? I imagine not.

Here, there is activity and there is silence. Wandering through the halls, I pass the usual collective hum of activity that seems to perpetually exist in Asgard. On each side of me is a montage of working, living Asgardians with tasks to accomplish and days to fill. I am not one of them now. I walk past and I am not a part of them, and they not a part of me. We came from the same world, but inhabit different universes now.

This is not a sad thing, I assure you. The feeling of walking through crowds, almost unnoticed, is almost a serene one. Is that what it is like when you take on different forms? Is that what it feels like when you walk through other lands in the body of a stranger? I wonder.

When I am not entertaining myself with silly walks through the main city I find my thoughts returning to the lake. A few times I have even found it appropriate to go there myself.

It is just as I remember and completely different.

The elements are all there: the wide, glassy water, the soft grass, the hunched weeping willows. But it is not the same. When I first spoke with you there, the place found new life. Now it is devoid of your presence and your influence and now I know why the willows weep.

Oh, Loki, do know that I am trying to be visual in my writing. Is this what you want? You wanted me to 'take you to other places,' right? Am I accomplishing this?

I am trying.

Sigyn

* * *

Sincere Sigyn,

Your words are perfection.

When I read your letter I, too, went back to the lake. My experience was better than yours, though. In my mind, you were there also.

It gave me great comfort to imagine you there, in that place of serenity. After all that has happened recently, it is my greatest desire that you be safe. At least that place may be able to provide the illusion of security. Until then, know that my muscles twitch in agony, my body repulsing at the thought of me being unable to be with you. I dare not say 'protect you' - I know you do not take kindly to being protected, but do allow me to admit that I am capable of such things. You are so strong, Sigyn, but I feel it almost my duty to stand, if not in front of you, then beside you in the face of danger. Strong Sigyn, and I stronger for it.

It has been some time since we have spoken about recent events, and I feel it necessary to re-open the subject, if it is not too uncomfortable for you. Allow me to ask you this: are you well? Truly well? You do not have to write the answer in a letter, but please know it for yourself. I will not stop worrying, especially when I am here and have nothing but my imagination. This is all I will say on the subject.

You last letter was wonderful, Sigyn. Send me more.

Loki

* * *

Loki,

Just you thinking of the lake made your presence there that much stronger. I returned to it again after reading your letter, and I swear I almost felt you there. Maybe it was because I was desperate to, but it is enough for now.

I'm glad that my attempt at storytelling pleases you! I will continue to try more of it.

In regards to your question, I would like to answer it. I am doing well. Really, I am.

I'm okay.

My little liar, you probably saw right through that last bit, didn't you? As soon as I wrote those words I looked down and knew that they were wrong. I will admit that I might have continued with the original letter had my initial response been more convincing.

Now I imagine you fretting about why I was unable to continue, but do not worry. I just didn't realize how uncomfortable I was with undermining the situation. Words like "fine" and "okay" just do not feel appropriate.

I will disclose some feelings to you, but understand that I am still working out most of them:

Though the idea of being kidnapped along was enough to shame me, there is yet more that is troubling.

Whenever I recall the incidents surrounding it, my first thought turns to the moment of capture. This I am sure you can relate to. That feeling of being completely overpowered, of giving the fight every bit of your energy and fire, and still being forced against your will - it was terrifying for me. Even in war, soldiers are usually faced with an equal assailant and must face their opponent in single combat. The fight is fair, even. My fight was not so, and I cannot decide if I feel angry or disappointed at myself or defeated because of it.

And if you love me, and I know you do, your reply to this confession will not be one with words of pity, comfort, or assurance. I have no need of those things.

Sigyn

* * *

Sigyn,

What a fascinating few pages you have just sent me. I will oblige to your last request and withhold any trivial words, though I doubt I would have included them anyway. I have known you long enough to be assured of your self-determination. No assurance could be given by me, it has to come from within.

But I am glad that you told me.

Loki

* * *

Sigyn -

I just had a visitor.

Did you know about this?

Loki


End file.
